How to survive the coming trade wars

For reasons nobody in the world understands, the United States has now initiated a new trade war targeting every other nation in the world. Except Russia, possibly. Donald Trump has announced new tariffs of 10%, or 25%, or 35% or 45%, or 125% or 145%, except that some nations have different tariffs, and some of the tariffs are delayed and some aren't, and smartphones are either exempt from tariffs or aren't or are only importable if you pay for the shipment with endangered eels, and by the time you finish this sentence—whoops, there it is, now the tariff rates are different again.

And the dollar is cratering, and the world is fleeing US bond markets because you'd have to be a particular kind of idiot to trust that a nation that elected a convicted financial felon will honor its debts going forward. The short version is that short of the head criminal dying in a blimp accident, the likelihood that the US economy is going to be locked in a heated trade war with most of the globe for at least the next year is nearly 100%. We're completely boned, there's no good reason for any of it, and nearly everything you buy is about to become either significantly more expensive or unavailable at any price.

We could have had taco trucks on every corner. We could have had solar-powered cities, have mitigated climate change, and had another nice decade of few to no children dying from measles—but no. No, a slim majority of Americans decided that what the nation really needed was sedition-backing racism powered by the stupidest damn people it was possible to dredge up, and here we are. And now we have to move forward.

You may be wondering how to best endure the coming trade war. Fear not; while your life may be about to change in unexpected ways, you can work around much of the crisis by following a few simple guidelines.

Buy American!

One of the many Trump-stated purposes of these new tariffs is to encourage American farms and businesses to produce their goods in this nation rather than purchasing them from abroad. Not all products can be produced in America, however, and even products that can be won't be—not until brand new factories are designed and built and staffed to produce them.

You can avoid supermarket sticker shock by substituting American-grown foodstuffs for the imported stuff. Be creative!

1. Everyone likes bananas, but nobody likes paying high prices for them. American farmers may not be able to grow bananas, but we're tops in the world when it comes to producing soybeans. Want a banana sundae? Try a soybean sundae instead. Your wallet will thank you.
2. Are you a choc-o-holic? Can't get enough of chocolate, the ambrosia of the modern age? Cocoa beans may not be American grown but you already know a bean that is: That's right, it's soybeans again. The versatile soybean can be smushed, pureed, fermented—it's the perfect food. Show your patriotism by becoming a Soy Boy, American men. Say it loud and proud: none of those foreign-grown beans for me!
3. Americans love their coffee, but nobody will like the new price of the stuff. The next time you need a morning pick me up, reach instead for a piping hot mug of fresh-pressed Iowa corn. Before long, you might soon find the best part of waking up to be corn juice in your cup.
4. Did you know that even most baked goods are actually imported? Crazy, right? No need to go down the baked goods aisle, though; instead of reaching for a loaf of bread, reach for a loaf of cow instead. Loaf of Cow: It's what's for lunch.

Need new appliances? Grow your own.

Home appliances are going to be especially hard hit in these tariff wars, because from washing machines to kitchen blenders to the omnipresent microwave, even the stuff that's made in America is made from parts that aren't, and that means tariffs. Even worse, high import costs for replacement parts, not just for appliances but for cars and plumbing and that lawnmower that's been barely keeping together for years now, will likely result in shortages of the least-profitable stuff. You might not be able to get a new part for that 5-year old oven at any price.

What's to be done, then? Take inspiration from Trump's announced "Liberation Day" and consider a Liberty Garden. If you can't afford new appliances and can't find parts to fix the old ones, it may be time to grow your own.

It's nearly impossible to grow most appliances from seed, and you can blame Monsanto patents for that. If you're willing to dodge a few laws here and there, though, many appliances can be grown from cuttings. A snipped-off handle or removed knob or circuit board can be planted in loose, mostly dry soil; keep weeds away with weed cloth or heavy mulch. Appliances grow very slowly, so be patient; you'll know they're ripe when that blue plastic film appears on easily-scuffed surfaces.

Appliances can be grown in USDA hardiness zones 5-10, but not every appliance will thrive in all environments. Air fryers prefer sandy soils and full sunlight; dishwashers do best in loamy soils and in partial shade. Talk to your local appliance club for tips and tricks.

There's no tax on your imagination! (yet)

The automotive industry is getting hit especially hard in this trade war, and prices for new cars, used cars, and repair parts are about to go up a lot. There's not much you can do about that, and it's not likely that those prices will be coming down either soon or ever. If you live somewhere without good public transportation options, a car might be a necessity of life—but it's also about to become an unaffordable necessity for many Americans.

Fear not: This is your chance to weaponize your greatest personal asset, the one no government can tax. Why not replace your real-world car with your imagination?

You've heard of staycations, the increasingly popular American pastime of vacationing in the comfort of your own home or apartment because anything that might involve leaving your house has been getting impossibly expensive. Nobody can afford Aruba, but anyone can afford to imagine themselves in Aruba.

Now do the same for all the other things you can't get done without leaving the house. Need to buy groceries? Why not imagine you've driven to the store to buy some? Does your employer expect you to be at work right now? Just imagine yourself being there. Imagine all the imaginary money you're making!

As American life becomes more and more unaffordable, we're all going to have to cut corners. And the best way to cut corners is to drift off into an imaginary world in which none of this is happening, you need nothing, and you desire nothing.

Because no matter how bad Donald Trump has cut the legs out from under the American and world economy, there will never be a tariff on the products of your imagi—wait, hang on, I'm getting word that the Trump administration has announced a new tax on your imagination. Scrub this whole thing.

Still, there's no reason to feel powerless no matter how much international trade may collapse or how much foreign money is yanked from our own economy. We've got this.

So sit back, enjoy a warm mug of American corn juice, and watch that new microwave sprout in your backyard Liberty Garden. Watch out for raccoons, while you're at it: I've tried three times to grow new Kitchenaid mixers and every time a raccoon has run off them the moment they turned ripe. What is it about raccoons and Kitchenaid mixers? What are they even using the damn things for?