Ignoring legal niceties, Elon Musk appoints himself U.S. Secretary of Wallet Inspections

In a move unfettered from legal niceties, far-right billionaire Elon Musk on Saturday issued a statement declaring himself the acting federal "Secretary of Wallet Inspections." It was unclear what department Musk was announcing himself the head of, as federal registries list no current department or agency related to the inspection of wallets.

Last week Musk began dispatching private aides and former Tesla and SpaceX employees to the Office of Personnel Management, the U.S. Treasury, and other federal agencies, forcing out department heads and seizing control of U.S. Treasury payment systems.

Office of Personnel Management staff were removed from their offices. Musk aides granted secure access to sensitive personnel and payment systems then locked federal workers out of those systems and, over the objections of federal security personnel, installed private computer equipment of unknown origins and purpose.

The move allows Musk to unilaterally block or divert federal grants and other payments, including federal paychecks, without congressional or presidential approval.

In a statement, Musk wrote that the moves by his staff were in support of a new Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) program.

"The Strategic Treasury Evaluation And Liquidation project will ensure that no federal funds are spent in violation of the president's ban on Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, or Accessibility," Musk wrote. "STEAL volunteers will check each federal payment to ensure that no money goes to women, minorities, the disabled, or Americans that might advocate for them. We'll be removing any such funds from the federal treasury so that they can't be spent."

The White House declined to comment on the new initiative. A spokesperson, who asked not to be named due to the sensitivity of the subject, indicated that "the president is currently golfing."

STEAL volunteers continued to embed themselves in federal offices Saturday morning. Outside OMB headquarters, a Musk aide whose name is being withheld due to their age declined to answer reporter questions because "my mom is waiting for me in the car." A second person was spotted loading government-labeled computer equipment into the back of a waiting van: That individual, who refused to identify themselves, said that the equipment would be "checked for the presence of cooties."

"We'll bring it back if it doesn't look like any girls have touched it. I can't do it until after soccer practice though."

Musk is a controversial figure with a history of ignoring legal niceties, but has no known experience in wallet inspection. He is primarily known for his aggressive elevation of white supremacist and neo-Nazi voices, for paying experts to play video games on his behalf, and for his attempts to trade livestock for sexual favors.

Musk, who continues to advocate for a German far-right political party critics have identified as fascist, has denied being addicted to prescription or non-prescription drugs. No government or DOGE officials contacted for this story would clarify what would happen to federal funds that Musk determines to be in violation of his interpretation of new executive policies.

An agency official familiar with Musk's orders to government workers said "I imagine 'liquidate' means 'liquidate.' He was clear that he'd be removing those dollars from the Treasury and putting them somewhere the government can't get to."

The official also indicated that Musk suggested female government employees whose paychecks were withheld by STEAL could contact him personally in order to "work something out."

Shortly after seizing control of the U.S. Treasury, Musk announced that his automotive company, Tesla, had been misleading car buyers about the self-driving capabilities of certain models for nearly a decade.

It unknown whether the announcement was timed to coincide with Musk's seizure of the government systems controlling the funding of various consumer protection agencies, including the Federal Trade Commission. A Musk aide contacted responded to questions about future FTC funding by texting a poop emoji.