Trump to cede Mars to Musk, prosecute mockery of Cybertruck owners as federal hate crime

We've been busy, here at Uncharted Blue. It might APPEAR that the volume of bad news has completely overwhelmed us all, to the point where none of us can even get out of bed in the morning, but that's completely untrue and you're lying about that so shame on you.

No. No, it's not the existential depression thing. In actuality, we've been lying low because we have been snooping. We've been exploring the tunnels under Washington, D.C.. We've been tying GPS beacons to the sewer and tunnel rats, learning their routes and destinations. We've been crawling around under the White House floorboards, and scratching quietly inside the White House walls, and with quite a bit of work we managed to secure ourselves a secret passageway to the Oval Office. We can't tell you where it is. Elon Musk's kid knows, and flat-out caught us popping in on no less than three separate occasions—but luckily, nobody listens to Elon Musk's kid.

Don't tell us we "don't belong there," little whatever-your-name-is. Why the heck are you there?

Our espionage efforts have so far been mostly unfruitful, unless you want to know what the bottom of Donald Trump's shoes smell like. (Lindsey Graham. The bottom of Trump's shoes smell like Lindsey Graham.) But we were able to yoink a small pile of not-yet-signed executive orders from off the top of Trump's desk.

While we're not so naive as to think that swiping them will do anything but delay Trump's signature for a few days—even this crowd must know how to print copies, after all—we believe that releasing their contents in advance can only help The Resistance. MUST CREDIT UNCHARTED BLUE—I didn't spent a week tying electronics to sewer rats to have you lift my whole scoop unattributed, New York Times. Maggie Haberman can catch her own damn rats.

EXECUTIVE ORDER #____: Until such time as the nation of Canada agrees to become the 51st United State, Canadian bacon will be called American bacon in all federal reports and correspondences. References to Canadian bacon will be removed from all school and university libraries.

EO X+1: Americans who own a Tesla Cybertruck shall be exempt from all federal and state income taxes.

EO X+2: Mocking Tesla Cybertrucks or the owners of Tesla Cybertrucks will now be considered a federal hate crime.

EO X+3: Upon being informed that any American man owns a Cybertruck, all nearby American women over the age of 12 are hereby required to respond "Oh my God, that is so sexually attractive." Failure to comply will be considered a federal hate crime.

EO X+4: In recognition of the Achievements of Russian President Vladimir Putin, who many people are talking about, the state of Alaska shall be Ceded back to Russia.

EO X+5: Any American who witnesses a Tesla Cybertruck stuck in snow, mud, or other adverse conditions Shall, if they own a more capable vehicle, immediately stop and render aid to the Cybertruck owner. This aid will include towing attempts and the immediate provision of hot chocolate or a similar warming beverage.

EO X+6: Using the powers vested by the Constitution, I hereby confirm that a State of Emergency now exists within the United States. The National Guard of all states and territories are hereby activated and ordered to patrol all roads, highways, and lawns in their jurisdictions and to provide immediate assistance to any Cybertruck owners in Emotional or Vehicular Distress or on Fire.

EO X+7: Ivanka please come back I need you. All these people are assholes and if I have to listen to this Kennedy guy one more minute I'm going to nuke something.

EO X+8: The United States Hereby recognizes Elon Musk as the sole owner of the planet Mars and the supreme member of its government. As Monarch of Mars, Musk shall be granted full diplomatic immunity while in United States territory. The United States agrees to furnish His Majesty with half of the active nuclear weapons in the nation's arsenal in exchange for an equal number of non-fungible tokens with artwork depicting primates, doges, or notable white supremacists.

EO X+9: The Social Security office shall change Elon Musk's social security number to his preferred alternative: 420-69-1488. All remaining Social Security staff shall type "lol" in response to this Executive Order or shall immediately be terminated.

EO X+10: Elon Musk has been adopted into the Trump family and will now be known as Donald Trump Jr. The former Donald Trump Jr. will now be referred to as Eric. The former Eric shall no longer be considered a Trump and shall Henceforth be known as Sloppy Joe McGee.

EO X+11: Fatalities that involve Tesla Cybertrucks shall no longer be included in any statistics kept by the federal government and mentioning them shall be considered a federal hate crime.

EO X+13: The body of water once known as The Gulf of America shall now be known as The Gulf of Doge.

EO X+14: The nation previously known as Ukraine will now be known as Doge Land. Elon Musk and Vladimir Putin will, jointly, hold all mineral rights within its borders. Former Ukrainian citizens shall mine those minerals for the benefit of Doge and its partners or face immediate deportation.

EO X+15: Ivanka seriously you need to come back. I told this Musk kid to solve Ukraine for me but the little asshole just wiped his boogers on my desk. If it were Jared he would have solved Ukraine for me.